my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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