Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
