There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
