god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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