I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
