Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
