I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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