This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
