she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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