dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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