I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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