i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
