Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
