I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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