Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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