We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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