how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
