i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
