you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Your penis caused this!
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