There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
