woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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