i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
