That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
