Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
