my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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