Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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