So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dicks are not precious.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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