ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
