he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
