I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
this is an emotional support booty call
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
