you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
