I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my shit smells like andre
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
