I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
