Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Drake has all the answers
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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