my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
