Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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