I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
