If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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