Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
