Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Found the puke drawer
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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