I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
