I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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