im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
