i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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