I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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