He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
