New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
