can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You have to summon your inner elephant
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
