I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
