Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
