im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
